April 14, 2013
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I have lost the heart to write lately.
xx
I have a lot of love for this random
little speck on the Internet. It has
felt like home on restless nights
for the past six or seven odd years.
There is a lot that goes into writing
a post, and then leaving it on this
page for strangers and friends to
read. You try not to think about
their opinions they form based
on what they understand from
your entries, and in time, you
just forget to care. It is truly
a liberating feeling. Just for
that, this space has become
very dear to me.
There are thoughts here that
I have not shared with the
people in my world. There are
rants and concerns and flails
and hopeful wonder and
realisations of beauty, of life.
I think that sometimes when
you experience certain events,
a shift happens. Your habits
start to change. And for me,
lately, I've stopped thinking.
I have stopped wondering.
I struggle a little to find the
things that inspire me day
in and day out, whereas before
I would find them in things
so small I often marveled at a
soul's ability to find meaning
in such unexpected places.
And so I have stopped writing.
Not because I don't want
to, but because I can't.
Like I don't know how to.
I don't understand this feeling
of not knowing what to write
about anymore, or how to.
It is frightening, I admit.
But maybe it's also a sign
to move on. Start anew,
possibly in the pages of a
fresh journal, or emails.
Maybe it's time to stop sharing.
Maybe I need to start keeping
my opinions and experiences
to myself, to keep them for
the people who want to get
to know me - know how my
life has been, what my values
are or if they have changed,
what I find lovely about the world.
Maybe one day, this speck will
disappear from the wide world
of the internet. These words,
these thoughts, these entries,
will remain fond memories.
I will remember the times I
began inculcating the habit
of expressing feelings, describing
beauty and loss, analysing chance
meetings and people, practicing
the art of noting down thoughts.
They may have been insignificant
to most, but to those who have learnt
from, empathised, or related to my
honest words, I thank you for being
the silent readers that you have been.
Maybe I'll come back in a week.
Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll finally put
this page to rest before a big change
happens next year. Maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll leave sporadic updates,
for the times when it hits, when
the compulsion to write is so
great that my hands shake as
I type, from the euphoria of
knowing just how much or
how little I have to say, and
how exactly I want to say it.
It's an empowering feeling.
And I am so thankful for the
contentment I manage to derive
from such acts as simple as this.
Whatever happens, thank you for
sharing minutes of your day with
me; my thoughts, my family,
my loves and my friends.
I hope to be back soon.
I pray I won't completely lose
the heart to do this again.
I wouldn't be me if I did.
'Til then, you lovers of words.
Keep writing. Keep feeling,
keep taking it all in, keep
getting to know your heart
and of those around you.
Keep sharing, because you
never really know if they
might help someone else
out there who feels exactly
the same way. Connect,
the way I did with this
stranger who has since
stopped writing - I hope
it is because she has found
absolute contentment since.
I sincerely wish you all well.
Much love.
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